The Trouble with Immorality (and Singleness)

The following article is posted in response to a message I received by an anonymous reader.

Dear anonymous,
I appreciate your concern for the low rate of marriage in the African American community. The central reason for this low rate of marriage is moral, and should not be blamed on black women disproportionately. First, promiscuity is the greatest contributor. Men have vigorous sex drives, and black men, assisted by media and urban myth, have allowed themselves to be driven and defined by sexual desire and conquest. Next, unmarried women who engage in sexual relationships perpetuate the rate of singlesness in the community. Men don’t commit because they don't have to and single abstinent women (a growing number) are not pursued because men continue having sex with women who will, and have no pressure to tame their immorality. But men’s untamed sex drive is just part of this problem; I will mention the other part below.

The second reason for a low rate of marriage within the black community is related to single parenthood, and it is two-pronged. First let me say that single parenthood is only a problem insomuch as it is a problem for unmarried persons to engage in sex. I would speculate that black women are more inconsistent with contraception because of a moral battle inside them—they know sex before marriage is wrong, so they do not necessarily “plan” to have sex and therefore have not planned a consistent birth control method. (I personally don’t advocate artificial methods of birth control, so that’s all I will say about that.) At the same time, (I’m still speculating) African American women are more likely to mistrust contraceptive technologies (due to the sordid history of their creation related to eugenics) and may also (due to low self-esteem) suffer from an inner desire to want to get pregnant in order to maintain a connection to a man, or to have someone to love and who will love them unconditionally. This also perpetuates a cycle of fatherlessness in the African American community.

Single parenthood in African American women is a roadblock to marriage in the sight of a man who is not confident in his ability to husband and father. Being a husband and/or father requires confidence in the ability to provide financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Black men in masse can not look to previous generations of black men as examples of how to handle these responsibilities and instead of seeking help they have generally retreated.

The problems cited by the vlogs you mentioned, overweight and self-hate, are not central factors, they are just visually identifiable. And while they may be related to the central factor, immorality (or the inability to see and relate to God, yourself, and others appropriately), or even self-esteem, they are mainly peripheral.

Decision '08 and Abortion: Let's talk about it

I got an email today from the McCain Campaigners and it made me want to go to the website and actually see what the man was about. Then I went to one of my big issues: Life. After reading McCain's ideas: the Roe vs. Wade decision is flawed, return the abortion decision to states, and advocate for adoption, I went to Obama's site. Under his Women tag he wrote that he supports a woman's right to choose and this is what led me to start this discussion.

I switched camps from pro-choice to pro-life while at Spelman. I am against legalized abortion because I consider abortion murder: the killing of an innocent person. I am passionate about this issue since it affects me personally. The dark secret is that an alarming percentage of Spelman students (and all students since those 18-24 receive the most abortions) are affected by federal and national policies on abortion. This issue should be considered very seriously.

I know why women who are for legalized abortion support this issue: they name death from illegal abortion, a woman's right to choose, and the so-called single parent-poverty link as their reasons. I believe these concerns are scapegoats. If the concern is about the number dead, then why can the growing child be disregarded so quickly; why isn't adoption advocated at a much higher rate? Many of us high achievers come from single parent families who know that where their is a will there is a way; so, why isn't overcoming the single parent-poverty stigma a mantra of the women's movement? As far as the right to choose goes, if women are truly for equal rights, then why are rights of the baby trumped? Some eco-feminists fight for the rights of animals, yet won't consider transferring these same rights (not to feel pain, or be used in research) to a growing human. Since some pro-choicers are also against capitalism, they should also consider the greed of abortionists and the industry as a whole, which overrules better judgment and health issues for the love of money.

I think it's time that we address this issue for real. Those who support legalized abortion should at least acknowledge the failure of the abortion industry and advocates to call abortion what it is and to focus efforts on prevention in serious ways. The right to choose should include the right to make an educated decision. Deal with the reality of abortion in sex-ed . Name the surgical abortion procedures (they literally tear babies apart), show ultra-sonic videos of an abortion in progress (the child in the womb actually tries to avoid/get away from the vacuum which sucks it out). This education was in part what brought me to my decision to be pro-life.

While this is one of the issues I consider when voting, I believe that change comes from the grassroots level. As people begin to disapprove of something, that change is seen in legistation.

I know that any woman or man who has experienced abortion personally has to deal with a great sense of loss and failure, but I know these feelings can be placed in the proper perspective: that was the past; What can I do today to show that I'm changed? If the answer is only "Get an IUD," then the cycle is not broken. A "real" so-called pro-choicer can be active in prevention in so many critical areas other than "safe sex" in the same way that I am for having a Correctional Facility, but I do all I can to discourage those in my sphere of influence from breaking the law and going to jail.

I would like those of us in this community to make a commitment to stop making excuses for ourselves and deal with this issue in our community as seriously as we deal with others.

Two Marches in January

As a family, my boys (5 and 3) and I attended the Marin Luther King, Jr. celebration organized by Kennesaw State University in Georgia. The commemoration included a program which featured Public Enemy founder, Chuck D as keynote speaker the singing of the Negro National Anthem as psuedo-benediction. The next activity was a symbolic March across campus lead by a young guest drumline. The march ended at a building across campus where refreshments were served.

For better or worse, my husband was working while we celebrated. His was just one of the many non-governmental companys who do not compensate employees for this holiday, nor close up shop. While he didn't seem bothered about working on King day, I did miss his presence. Nevertheless, a lasting memory was made that my boys and I will share. Even now I am enjoying hearing my youngest try to articulately speak the name Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. What a mouthful.

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The next morning we braved the cold and drizzle and arrived at the Georgia State Capital to participate in Together for Life. The activities of the day included an educational rally and silent march mourning the loss of babies through abortion, since abortion on demand through nine months of pregnancy was made possible through the court cases Roe V. Wade and Doe V. Bolton in 1973. This year the toll of abortive infant deaths reached nearly 50 million. Clerics, politicians and private citizens addressed a general theme of a national disregard for the highest ethical treatment of human life from conception to natural death. These statements took into account the week's announcement of a cloned human for the harvesting of the organs.

This time only my eldest son accompanied me as we marched through downtown. At a point he turned and asked what abortion was. I wonder how those who advocate for reproductive rights would answer this question for a five year old as thoughtful as my son is. The thought of it makes me think of Norma McCorvey's (Jane Roe of Roe v. Wade) statement that the culture of abortion requires its inhabitants to numb themselves through substances and propaganda to withstand such a dehumanizing enterprise.

As my son's question persisted, I told him that some women don't want to have babies when they get pregnant so they take the babies out and the babies die. That answer silenced the boy, probably giving him too much to think about, especially considering the way my own belly currently potrudes as I carry his sibling in month seven of gestation. I can only be caught off guard when he mentally retrieves the file of that conversation at some later date.

I record this event here for myself and anyone who believes that pro-lifers' prime activity is plodding the destruction of neighborhood abortion clinics. By and large we are women who have seen the negative impact of abortion in our friends and families. Many of us have first hand experience and regret of some kind related to abortion. I encourage any pro-choicer reading to move from the outskirts to the center of this movement. Volunteer at a clinic and see if you still believe that abortion helps women. Then volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center and compare your experiences. There are ways to help pregnant women which don't involve encouraging or enabling abortion, the ends of which leave you without regret.

Three Life Issues

If you haven't yet visited, please visit http://adifferenceofopinion.blogspot.com/ to see the latest commentary on three life issues. A Difference of Opinion is a blog I post with a friend with whom I disagree about almost everything. But of course, we love eachother. We especially value in eachother our willingness to be loud and wrong.

Cycle-ogy

I taught my first class on fertility awareness/family planning a couple of weeks ago. It went well considering... The class featured a background and explanation of using symptothermal approaches to monitor fertility and achieve or postpone pregnancy. In essence a woman looks for cervical fluid and takes her temperature every morning to predict and confirm ovulation and the possibility of pregnancy. Our memorable equation was egg + sperm + cervical fluid = baby.

We had a diverse crowd of married couples who were parents and prospective parents to attend the event. The men were suprisingly vocal in their family planning wants and don't wants. My husband shocked everybody by the candid way he spoke about our "relational intimacy."

The girlfriend who asked me to do the class thinks it would be a hit at local churches. I think I'll look into this possibility in the coming weeks. For those who are curious, contact me and get a head start of informing yourself by reading Love and Fertility by Mercedes Arzu Wilson.

Daddy Bank Roll

If you read http://adifferenceofopinion.blogspot.com/ A Difference of Opinion you know that I recently challenged single women to be celibate and married women to expect more from their husbands; specifically, I asked them to expect him to be able to support his household without her income. To that challenge I received the typical response; "Are you crazy?"

The answer is yes, I'm just crazy enough to believe that the role of a man hasn't changed just because some cultures, including American, have. Somebody name me the benefits of wives taking on the responsibility for financially supporting the household. What this has done is given men less weight to carry. They have more freedom to do, well anything, while women are more burdened down than before the Revolution.

I'm told that I just don't know the struggle of the single life. How could I, haven been married for nearly six years and I'm only 30. I wonder though, are women looking for advice on how to live a single life, or for how to ditch it for a double one of the married kind. I agree with Dawn Eden that hardest thing to do when you've been single for longer than you want

Smart Love

A recent Associated Press article published by Yahoo declared that U.S. divorce rates are on the decline. Did anyone notice? Take a quick stab at the perceived reasons... (whistling......). If you guessed any of the following, kudos.

1. More people live together without marrying (10 times more likely now than in 1960)


2. Less people marry today (down 30% since 1975)


3. People wait longer to marry

Marriage scholars quoted in the article alerted us to another disparity. It's called the marriage divide. It seems that a couple's education and wealth play a role in whether couples will stay together. "The rate of breakups within 10 years of marriage dropped by one-third in college educated women while remaining stable among less educated women." The article goes further to say that couples who are staying together expect a less traditional wife role and that the wife working is the "great stabilizer" in the marriage.

I don't know whether to cheer or yell. My critical side is saying that men are too comfortable not being expected to be the sole provider in the family.

I remember gushing to a girlfriend in the second week after I married that being at home and not worrying about the bills "felt like what I was meant to do all my life."

Today I'm less romantic about the stay at home lifestyle. I realize that it's not fun to be home all day because nobody else is there with you. Once you have kids you want to do anything but be home all day with them (they'd tear up the house) if you didn't get out of there.

I'm happy that some things in marriages today are working, but we are far from being clear from danger. Men could use the pressure of being depended on. And women will have to learn domestic skills if children are going to realize their potential. As the article proclaimed, despite the positive trend in marriage outcomes, children are still getting a raw deal.

What if?

When I was a teenager growing up my mom used to tell me to write things down. When I felt overwhelmed with things to do she'd say, "Write it down." When I expressed things that were important to me, "Write it down," she'd say. Around the time I was going to college my mom told me to envision the end of my life. She told me to think of the person I wanted to be when I was 80 and write that down. Then she told me to do the same in five year increments backward until I reached my current age. In that way, my mother taught me how to plan my future and become the person I wanted to be.

Yesterday I read an article by two researchers who created a project to train women to create narratives that would be read by policy makers. The researchers' goal was to capture the women's stories and at the same time train them to write their stories in a rich, multi-rhetorical style that would minimize characterization or stereotyping by people outside of their cultural group. The writers of the narratives were women who were current or past recipients of Temporary Aid to Needy Families. In a summarizing section called “Taking Action,” one of the participants asked,

“What if…? Older women/ teachers/ mentors in Jule’s [one of the participant’s] life had counseled her earlier about relationships? Then she might have felt more secure and savvy when dealing with her boyfriends. What if all young women were counseled in this way?”

In her story, Jule explains that she was in her early twenties when she had sex for the first time with a man she had known for four and a half years and conceived a child. She felt close to the father and didn't believe in abortion. Years later she had a male friend that she only saw once a month. She had stopped taking birth control pills because they messed up her menstrual cycle. She conceived a second child.

Jule proudly supports herself and her children on her own now, without the help of either father. In her story, she noted the steps it took to become self-supporting. She also noted the behaviors and ideologies, which she employed as a younger woman, that didn't serve her well.

Her story is a reminder to me that God rains on the just and the unjust. For whatever reason God allowed me to make mistakes without conceiving. After several months of mistakes and by God's grace I committed to abstinence and maintained my position until I married four years later. My husband was a virgin when we married. Today my life is far different from the account above. My two sons were born to a mother and father who had committed in marriage to honor and support each other.

When I wrote down in five-year increments who I wanted to be at each stage of my life, I wrote down married, but never wrote abstinent. I don't know why I overlooked something so important, but I hope that my children will learn from my mistake.

Reference
Higgins, Lorraine, D. and Lisa D. Brush. “Personal Experience Narrative and Public Debate: Writing the Wrongs of Welfare.” College Composition and Communication 2006, June; 57(4): 694-729.

Percentage of Married Black Men at an All-time Low

While doing research on the contemporary rhetoric of courtship I read an old article by Kevin Chappel in Ebony Magazine. The article was called, "The Case for Marriage". Chappell treated the relationship between Dr. and Mrs. Martin Luther King Jr. to make the case that marriage is a institution that serves not only the spouses, but the ministry or life work of the two involved. Among Chappell's powerful statements was the following:

"And even though studies reveal that married men live longer, happier lives-that they are healthier and more satisfied spiritually, professionally, materially, and emotionally than single men -the percentage of married Black men is at an all-time low."

I commend Mr. Chappell for revealing the truth, but while he left out the fact that married men also more sexual satisfaction, he added a powerful statement:

"For some reason, we think that shacking up is the same as marriage...But what we fail to understand or appreciate or respect is that innate need that man has for maintaining a long, loving relationship. It is central to our growth."

In that short article (April 2006), I do believe Chappell said it all. But what I missed was the response of brothers or sisters to answer or at least acknowledge the call. I'm happily married, but my heart hurts for the state of courtship in America today. Chappell targeted the African-American community where the state of marriage is especially disheartening, but all American cultures could benefit from marriage training. Contemporary Christian ministries have picked up on this, but to make the greatest impact, help must reach those who are not seeking that help, yet find themselves in and out of romantic relationships. College is a prime time to teach relationship building and high school is another ready venue. Verge is going after those hearts that have that "innate need for maintaining a long, loving relationship."

Relationship RX

One day people will get tired of wandering aimlessly into and out of relationships. Single adults will discover what they were meant to be and do. One day men and women will realize the power that lies in their compatibility; how a couple in unity are meant to change the world. One day women and men will acknowledge the place that sex has in a relationship for building trust and jealous commitment. One day children will once again be precious and not priced. Until then, I'll keep encouraging adults to find purpose, pursue purity, enjoy partnership, and embrace parenthood. With this blog I hope to connect with those who want to stop being a part of the free sex problem, those who want to find life by giving theirs away, and those who value family and community. You'll undoubtedly hear rants, stories, opinions, and some news. I hope this is the start of something real.

Today's Takeaway
If you are in a sexual relationship with someone you're not married to, ask yourself these questions:

How did I get here?
Where do I want this to go?
Am I being honest with my partner about my feelings?
What is the purpose of this relationship?
Would I want my child to emulate my behavior in this relationship?
Am I whole enough independently to unite with another this way?