The Trouble with Immorality (and Singleness)

The following article is posted in response to a message I received by an anonymous reader.

Dear anonymous,
I appreciate your concern for the low rate of marriage in the African American community. The central reason for this low rate of marriage is moral, and should not be blamed on black women disproportionately. First, promiscuity is the greatest contributor. Men have vigorous sex drives, and black men, assisted by media and urban myth, have allowed themselves to be driven and defined by sexual desire and conquest. Next, unmarried women who engage in sexual relationships perpetuate the rate of singlesness in the community. Men don’t commit because they don't have to and single abstinent women (a growing number) are not pursued because men continue having sex with women who will, and have no pressure to tame their immorality. But men’s untamed sex drive is just part of this problem; I will mention the other part below.

The second reason for a low rate of marriage within the black community is related to single parenthood, and it is two-pronged. First let me say that single parenthood is only a problem insomuch as it is a problem for unmarried persons to engage in sex. I would speculate that black women are more inconsistent with contraception because of a moral battle inside them—they know sex before marriage is wrong, so they do not necessarily “plan” to have sex and therefore have not planned a consistent birth control method. (I personally don’t advocate artificial methods of birth control, so that’s all I will say about that.) At the same time, (I’m still speculating) African American women are more likely to mistrust contraceptive technologies (due to the sordid history of their creation related to eugenics) and may also (due to low self-esteem) suffer from an inner desire to want to get pregnant in order to maintain a connection to a man, or to have someone to love and who will love them unconditionally. This also perpetuates a cycle of fatherlessness in the African American community.

Single parenthood in African American women is a roadblock to marriage in the sight of a man who is not confident in his ability to husband and father. Being a husband and/or father requires confidence in the ability to provide financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Black men in masse can not look to previous generations of black men as examples of how to handle these responsibilities and instead of seeking help they have generally retreated.

The problems cited by the vlogs you mentioned, overweight and self-hate, are not central factors, they are just visually identifiable. And while they may be related to the central factor, immorality (or the inability to see and relate to God, yourself, and others appropriately), or even self-esteem, they are mainly peripheral.

Decision '08 and Abortion: Let's talk about it

I got an email today from the McCain Campaigners and it made me want to go to the website and actually see what the man was about. Then I went to one of my big issues: Life. After reading McCain's ideas: the Roe vs. Wade decision is flawed, return the abortion decision to states, and advocate for adoption, I went to Obama's site. Under his Women tag he wrote that he supports a woman's right to choose and this is what led me to start this discussion.

I switched camps from pro-choice to pro-life while at Spelman. I am against legalized abortion because I consider abortion murder: the killing of an innocent person. I am passionate about this issue since it affects me personally. The dark secret is that an alarming percentage of Spelman students (and all students since those 18-24 receive the most abortions) are affected by federal and national policies on abortion. This issue should be considered very seriously.

I know why women who are for legalized abortion support this issue: they name death from illegal abortion, a woman's right to choose, and the so-called single parent-poverty link as their reasons. I believe these concerns are scapegoats. If the concern is about the number dead, then why can the growing child be disregarded so quickly; why isn't adoption advocated at a much higher rate? Many of us high achievers come from single parent families who know that where their is a will there is a way; so, why isn't overcoming the single parent-poverty stigma a mantra of the women's movement? As far as the right to choose goes, if women are truly for equal rights, then why are rights of the baby trumped? Some eco-feminists fight for the rights of animals, yet won't consider transferring these same rights (not to feel pain, or be used in research) to a growing human. Since some pro-choicers are also against capitalism, they should also consider the greed of abortionists and the industry as a whole, which overrules better judgment and health issues for the love of money.

I think it's time that we address this issue for real. Those who support legalized abortion should at least acknowledge the failure of the abortion industry and advocates to call abortion what it is and to focus efforts on prevention in serious ways. The right to choose should include the right to make an educated decision. Deal with the reality of abortion in sex-ed . Name the surgical abortion procedures (they literally tear babies apart), show ultra-sonic videos of an abortion in progress (the child in the womb actually tries to avoid/get away from the vacuum which sucks it out). This education was in part what brought me to my decision to be pro-life.

While this is one of the issues I consider when voting, I believe that change comes from the grassroots level. As people begin to disapprove of something, that change is seen in legistation.

I know that any woman or man who has experienced abortion personally has to deal with a great sense of loss and failure, but I know these feelings can be placed in the proper perspective: that was the past; What can I do today to show that I'm changed? If the answer is only "Get an IUD," then the cycle is not broken. A "real" so-called pro-choicer can be active in prevention in so many critical areas other than "safe sex" in the same way that I am for having a Correctional Facility, but I do all I can to discourage those in my sphere of influence from breaking the law and going to jail.

I would like those of us in this community to make a commitment to stop making excuses for ourselves and deal with this issue in our community as seriously as we deal with others.

Two Marches in January

As a family, my boys (5 and 3) and I attended the Marin Luther King, Jr. celebration organized by Kennesaw State University in Georgia. The commemoration included a program which featured Public Enemy founder, Chuck D as keynote speaker the singing of the Negro National Anthem as psuedo-benediction. The next activity was a symbolic March across campus lead by a young guest drumline. The march ended at a building across campus where refreshments were served.

For better or worse, my husband was working while we celebrated. His was just one of the many non-governmental companys who do not compensate employees for this holiday, nor close up shop. While he didn't seem bothered about working on King day, I did miss his presence. Nevertheless, a lasting memory was made that my boys and I will share. Even now I am enjoying hearing my youngest try to articulately speak the name Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. What a mouthful.

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The next morning we braved the cold and drizzle and arrived at the Georgia State Capital to participate in Together for Life. The activities of the day included an educational rally and silent march mourning the loss of babies through abortion, since abortion on demand through nine months of pregnancy was made possible through the court cases Roe V. Wade and Doe V. Bolton in 1973. This year the toll of abortive infant deaths reached nearly 50 million. Clerics, politicians and private citizens addressed a general theme of a national disregard for the highest ethical treatment of human life from conception to natural death. These statements took into account the week's announcement of a cloned human for the harvesting of the organs.

This time only my eldest son accompanied me as we marched through downtown. At a point he turned and asked what abortion was. I wonder how those who advocate for reproductive rights would answer this question for a five year old as thoughtful as my son is. The thought of it makes me think of Norma McCorvey's (Jane Roe of Roe v. Wade) statement that the culture of abortion requires its inhabitants to numb themselves through substances and propaganda to withstand such a dehumanizing enterprise.

As my son's question persisted, I told him that some women don't want to have babies when they get pregnant so they take the babies out and the babies die. That answer silenced the boy, probably giving him too much to think about, especially considering the way my own belly currently potrudes as I carry his sibling in month seven of gestation. I can only be caught off guard when he mentally retrieves the file of that conversation at some later date.

I record this event here for myself and anyone who believes that pro-lifers' prime activity is plodding the destruction of neighborhood abortion clinics. By and large we are women who have seen the negative impact of abortion in our friends and families. Many of us have first hand experience and regret of some kind related to abortion. I encourage any pro-choicer reading to move from the outskirts to the center of this movement. Volunteer at a clinic and see if you still believe that abortion helps women. Then volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center and compare your experiences. There are ways to help pregnant women which don't involve encouraging or enabling abortion, the ends of which leave you without regret.

Three Life Issues

If you haven't yet visited, please visit http://adifferenceofopinion.blogspot.com/ to see the latest commentary on three life issues. A Difference of Opinion is a blog I post with a friend with whom I disagree about almost everything. But of course, we love eachother. We especially value in eachother our willingness to be loud and wrong.